Cleaning this Gun (Come on in Boy)

I haven't posted in a while as I have been super busy and moved on to other things, but when I saw this video I thought of all the guys who read this daddying daughter blog.  You've got to watch this brief YouTube video by country music singer, Rodney Atkins.  It's great!  Believe me, as the daddy of a daughter you will be able to relate!  Hope it makes you smile!  Enjoy...

Are you looking for teachable moments?

One of the greatest ways to daddy your daughter is by taking her everywhere you go when you are at home in the evenings or on the weekends.  Any kind of errands or whatever.  When you are at work, take her with you from time to time.  If you are self-employed, let her work for you during the summer.  That is invaluable training and she will learn so much by just watching how you operate with other people.  Not to be harsh, but if you aren't willing to spend time with her, you probably shouldn't have had children.  These are part of the responsibilities that come from being a father and a real man.  The benefits of spending time with her are eternal!  

I know we guys often look at errands as an opportunity to get away from the house and to have some time to ourselves, but you are missing huge opportunities to teach your daughter all sorts of things.  These things oftentimes occur on a whim.  I call these teachable moments.  I often go to one of my favorite stores, the Home Depot and it's fun taking either my 14 yr old or my 10 yr old along.  They get to hear about things that men are generally interested in, not just from a daddy's point of view, but from a man's point of view.  You know...building things, fixing things, replacing things, tearing things down and so on.  I really enjoy taking them with me...it's a lot of fun!

As an example, years ago while shopping with one of my older children, it was a very windy day and when I got out of the car, the wind ripped my door right out of my hand slamming it into the car next to me.  As my child sat there watching to see what I would do, it was clear I had to not only do the right thing, but also set the right example for her.  So I wrote a note apologizing to the owner of the car for dinging their door leaving my name and number for them to call me.  The cool thing is that they never called me!  This has actually happened to me more than once.  It is amazing how things sometimes work out when you choose to do the right thing.  Either way, my conscience was clear and I had been given an opportunity to demonstrate to my daughter a real example of living by the Golden Rule..."do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

The main point of all of this is that teachable moments don't always happen just by hanging around the house.  You have to go out and experience these moments  with your daughter.  In those moments you have a chance to show her right from wrong and to teach her wisdom.  She is looking to see if you are a man of character and integrity and trust me, even if they don't what those mean, they are watching you.  Plus she learns one moment at a time, what you stand for and what you believe in.  Better she learn from you than on her own in the world.  You can never put a price on that!

So the next time you go to the Home Depot or the grocery store or wherever, take that precious gift with you!

Wanna play catch?

I know that in the past I placed a lot of emphasis on dads doing a bunch of girly things with their daughters like playing with Barbies, etc.  And if you really want to have a good relationship with your daughter, don't think you will ever get out of doing those things.  Haven't met a little girl yet that doesn't love playing Barbies with her daddy.  Thank goodness, they do eventually outgrow them...whew!!!  However, I was reminded that they really enjoy doing many "guy" things too...things I like doing like playing catch, riding bikes, going on "adventures" in the wildlife refuge near our home, etc.  And more importantly, they like doing these things with me!  The point here is that girls just yearn to be with their daddies no matter what the activity is!

So last weekend I invited two of my daughters, age 14 and 10, to play catch with me...a traditional male kind of activity.  You know, throwing the ball so hard at each other that even with a glove on it stings when it hits the palm of your hand.  Even as I am writing this I feel the testerone rushing through my veins.  You know the feeling, right?  But wait, I need to digress for a minute...

 

When my 26 year old married daughter was around 12 or 13 years old, she and I were playing catch with a softball.  Believe me, don't ever sell your daughter's strength and abilities short.  She knew how to burn those pitches in and could probably throw a softball around 40 to 50 miles an hour.  So she throws one at me and it went high, deflecting off of an overhead electrical wire and straight at my mouth.  When it hit, blood went everywhere and I think she thought she had seriously maimed me for life.  Man, I thought so too!  I couldn't feel my lips or my teeth.  Quite honestly, I didn't know if I still had any teeth!  Because my wife was busy cooking dinner for the rest of our children and we had a baby sleeping, I had to drive myself to the emergency room to get stitches.  That was one of those "tough guy" moments...an experience I will not soon forget!  We still laugh about that to this day.  (No, I wasn't laughing at the time!!!)

Anyway, back to my 14 and 10 year olds...

We spent over an hour just throwing and hitting the softball.  Both of my girls are really good hitters.  My 14 yr old does an amazing job of throwing and catching the ball.  She has a really good eye!  Here we are playing catch and I realize...wow, how cool, I have a totally captive audience.  No cellphones or texting or any other kind of distractions.  Just one on one with me and my girls.  We had so much fun that day!

When you have times like that, teach them your values.  Teach them principles of success like "winners never quit and quitters never win" or whatever else comes to mind that fits the moment.  But, also let them know that even when they mess up, like continually missing the ball or throwing wild pitches over and over, that you still love them...unconditionally.   Praise them when they do well and encourage and comfort them when they don't.  

The Bible says there is "life and death in the power of the tongue", so as a father it is vital that we use the power of our words to encourage our daughters to be all God created them to be.  Doing simple things like playing catch or just hanging out with them gives you tremendous opportunities to transform their lives and the way they think.

Teach them the only way they will ever appreciate success is by experiencing failure or as I prefer to call it, "learning experiences".  Teach them how to take wise risks and that nothing great was ever achieved by doing nothing!

Now, take a "wise" risk and go play catch with your daughter!   

Peanut Butter and Jelly and Spongebob!

Peanut Butter and Jelly and Spongebob!  That is what my 5 year old said when I asked my 3 youngest daughters what I should write on my blog this week.  Well I don't exactly know how to expound on that one, but man I sure love hearing such cute and innocent comments from the heart of such a sweet little girl.  My 14 year old chimed in saying "daddy, why don't you write about how you have changed your mind about letting me date."  Wow, it reminds me how fast they grow up!  
 
Our daughters are constantly told they are not complete unless they have a boyfriend.  Have you watched kids cable channels lately?  They show girls having boyfriends at a very young age.  Dads, it is important that they hear how wonderful they are from us and not some "boy".  Despite the pressure they feel to be smart, thin and pretty, we have the ability to make them feel beautiful, inside and out.  Look for opportunities to compliment them on character qualities we notice in them like honesty, intelligence, courage, a sense of humor, etc.  Please just spend time hanging out together...no agenda.  It's amazing what you will learn about them.  Maybe, just maybe, they might wait a little longer on the boyfriend thing.  (Did I say just maybe?)   

Our daughters are under great pressure to look, act, and be a certain way...in order to maintain a particular image.  They may drink, they may do drugs, and to make sure they stay thin enough, they will even stick their finger down their throat to throw up the food they just ate.  They are told how important it is to have the latest greatest clothes, shoes, hair style...you name it.  Their self-worth is often tied up in these things.  We dads have a huge influence in helping our daughters in these areas.  We must get comfortable saying things out loud to our daughters that are affirming to them.

To give you an idea of what's going on out there in their world, check out the following stats and then PLEASE watch the short video at the end of this post..."Lifehouse Everything - Drama".  This video is awesome!  I warn you in advance...you may need a tissue.

½ of Youth are not virgins
Over 1,500 youth kill themselves a year
1 in 4 Youth use illegal drugs
40% of youth have self inflicted wounds
1/3 of youth have been drunk in the last month
1 million are pregnant
1 in 5 youth have thought about suicide
8,000 youth get an STD everyday

It’s time to take a stand!  Help her to not conform to the influences of this generation!  Dads, we must stand "in the gap" for our daughters.  But even when we don't, it is comforting to know there is an ultimate father in Jesus who will stand in the gap for them.

Discipling Your Daughter

Guys, it is important to remember that a dad is a discipler of his daughter.  In that role we are to equip and train her on how to grow up to become a godly woman...one that exhibits high moral character and integrity.  So many times we dads leave it up to the church or Sunday school to do this, when in fact her primary training should come from us.  For those of you reading this blog who may not understand the word discipleship, I am using it from a Christian perspective.  Discipleship is the intensely personal activity of two or more persons helping each other experience a growing relationship with God.  The word disciple literally means A LEARNER and denotes "one who follows another's teaching".  Your daughter is your disciple.  She should be an imitator of you as her teacher.  Setting a godly example is part of that discipleship process.  The Bible says we are to "encourage one another, and build up one another, just as you also are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Dads, they are watching EVERYTHING we do...the way we treat their mother, how we treat and speak of our neighbors, the language we use in our home, the shows we watch on television, and the movies we rent and the list goes on and on.  My teenage daughter is always asking my wife and I about the movies we rent and whether or not she can watch too.  Most of the time, the kind of movies we watch are okay for her.  However, trust me, if you are watching "R" rated movies in your home, your daughter knows it...especially your teenage daughter.  Now guys, I know what you are thinking...hey, it's only "R" for violence, like a really cool war movie or action flick.  I struggle with that one too sometimes, but in our home we have decided to simply draw a line in the sand that we don't cross.  It makes it easier to live by that standard than having to justify to my daughter, one movie at a time, why we decided that particular "R" rated movie was okay.  We don't do horror flicks and we even make a concerted effort not to bring home PG-13 movies that are sexual in nature.  It's hard enough to raise girls that are pure and holy and moral so why would you ever want to invite evil into your home.  Don't do it...take the lead in your home and just say no!

As fathers, we are watchmen and guardians over our home.  We must not be asleep at the gates.  It is so tempting when we get home from work to let our children come and go all around us, and not engage with them, leaving them to watch out for themselves.  But we just can't...we are watchmen.  We must get involved and not be aloof in the short few hours we spend each day at home.  If you are married, don't leave it up to your wife to take care of all your daughter's needs.  Serve your wife and help with the kids as much as you can.  Daughters (and sons) are a gift from God and should be a blessing to your family.  However, raising them is a total team effort between a husband and his wife.  Anyway, as I was saying...it is vitally important that we pay attention to everything going on in our home and in the life of our daughter.  Know who your daughter's friends are, ask her who she is talking to on the phone, listen to her music, protect your computers and block all inappropriate content, and know what she is watching on television.  And once every now and then, you need to take her cellphone from her with no notice and read the things she is texting to her friends.  Make no apologies either.  Accountability is a really great thing for her.  When she knows she is being watched, it helps keep her on the straight and narrow path.  (By the way, it works that way for us guys too.  If you don't currently have a spiritual mentor or discipler, find one!)

Let your daughter know what you believe in...she will generally follow your lead.  I can't tell you how many times I made some political statement or comment about something only to hear it echoed back to me in the words of my daughter.  The old saying, "if you don't believe in something, you will fall for anything" really applies here.  I might even modify that a bit to say "if you, as her father, don't stand for something, your daughter may fall for anything".  She is so vulnerable without you.  Train her and equip her to know right from wrong, good from evil, and help her make good choices along the way.  "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."(Proverbs 3:7)

Why are daughters so unreasonable?

Hey, news alert...A teen's brain is not fully developed!  Due to the development of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), great strides have been made in the study of the brain.  It was once thought that the brain was fully formed by the end of childhood, but research has shown that there is profound growth of the brain during adolescence.  

Gee, I bet you didn't need science to figure that one out.  Just talk to your teenage daughter and try to reason with her sometime....good luck!  The greatest changes to her brain occur in adolescence.  These include the parts responsible for impulse-control, judgment, decision-making, planning, organization and other functions like emotion.  This area of the brain does not reach full maturity until around age 25...WOW! That explains a lot around my home!

Have you every tried in good conscience to explain to your daughter (of any age) what the reasons are for your decision in matters affecting her?  No matter how hard you try to logically and rationally explain yourself, she just doesn’t seem to get it.  Of course, in wanting her to better understand us, we continue to explain more and more and more, thinking that if we could say it just a little bit different, she will agree with our decision.  BUT, she doesn’t which often times leads to arguments in other areas that are way off topic from where you started.  This becomes a never ending cycle, digging one’s self deeper and deeper into the abyss of frustration!  Don’t keep trying to get her “buy in”.  Offer a brief explanation if you need to, but let your decision stand. “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No’, no, or you will be condemned.” (from the Bible, James 5:12.)  That about explains it all!

Regardless of how smart she is or how great a kid she is, your daughter doesn't have the maturity of an adult.  Sometimes she will be unreasonable.  She will be impulsive.  She won’t always use good judgment.  It is so easy for her to get into trouble, but you can help keep her out of it.  Again, be involved in all aspects of her life.  My daughters think I am overprotective at times and I am okay with that.  At least I have the hope of knowing that when those brains of theirs reach maturity, they will realize just how right I was all along!

under construction

I am a father "under construction".  You know, a work in progress.  Do you remember when you were a kid and used to build things like forts...indoors and outdoors?  You spent hours being entertained by this.  Well, one of the coolest things your children do is the same thing you used to do.  I am totally amazed when my 10 year old daughter takes the most random things from around the house to build with.  What an awesome expression of her own unique and personal creativity!  I love it when she builds forts because I can really relate to that back when I was a young boy.  Here's the problem...unfortunately, now that I am a "grownup" and have become responsible (boring?), I am a neat freak and I am constantly biting my tongue to not yell at her for making a mess of things.  Why?  Because she usually chooses the main living areas of the home to do her building...blocking off all ingress and egress (oh, shoot...there I go again, being a grownup!).  Anyway, you know she just makes the room totally inaccessible for the rest of the family.  But even though she does, WOW, how cool are her forts!

Sometimes I really have a hard time when she does these things.  What I keep telling myself is these are good things.  After all, don't they allow her to express the creative talents God gave her?  Who cares about a messy house anyway (keep telling yourself that, over and over and over and over and over...)?  When she goes inside her fort, she enters a world that is her world...the ultimate in make believe where anything is possible.  I really am thrilled that she is using her mind to do something resourceful rather than vegging out in front of the boob tube or playing on the computer.  I know I need to encourage this!  To my wife's credit, she let's our girls do these kinds of things all the time.  She clearly sees the big picture way better than me!  I'm the one that struggles with it.  

My struggle isn't only with the mess, though.  When I was a boy, I was taught not only to respect the property of others, but also to take care of my own stuff.  That's a good thing, right?  So when I see our sofa pillows, blankets, pillows and comforters off of our beds, rubberbands to hold things in place, and any other miscellaneous thing she can find, I really have a hard time not getting irritated.  Where do I draw the line between teaching them to be creative and have fun and yet still take care of the material things we have been blessed with?  It really is a great opportunity to teach them to be good stewards over all they have been given.  If nothing else, they learn how to take care of other people's things in the process.  However, I always have to remind myself when I am getting ready to jump all over them that THEY are way more important than all the stuff in the world...even the stuff in MY world.  At the end of the day, it's all just junk.  But dog gone it, it's MY junk.  As I said, I'm clearly still under construction! 

Anyway, back to the building thing.  My precious daughter is quite amazing and very creative.  The best part is when she is all done and invites me to play with her in her new fort.  It's like entering a whole new world with no worries and only the two (or three or four...well, you get it) of you.  You never know what you might find.  Who knows maybe she will be an architect someday...or maybe she'll just learn to be a really great mommy to her kids when they want to create something in their home.  So for now, I write this as a reminder to myself to let my girls be girls...they grow up sooooooooo fast!  Guys, build those forts with them and play with them.  Enter their world...it is guaranteed to keep you young forever.  And remember, just for a little while...forget about the mess!   

As I am writing this blog at this very moment, my daughter is building a fort...in my office.   Looks like I will have to go through her fantasy world ("the fort") to get out on the other side.  Hey wait a minute, where'd she go?  Oh my goodness...she has already moved on to other adventures.  Man are they hard to keep up with!  How the heck am I going to get out of here?   It's alright, I know I can do this.  Okay, I just need to go in this door and crawl down this passageway and...wow, it's really amazing in here.  How cool!  Wait a minute, is it this way or that way?  Oh no, I think I'm lost!  Hey, is anyone out there?  Honey, are you out there?  Daddy really wants out of here.  Help!