Sex, a touchy subject...no pun intended.

Sex can be one of the most awkward topics you will ever discuss with your daughter, but it doesn't have to be.  For this week, I am assuming she has already been taught "the birds and the bees".  I would guess that most men leave that up to the mom to deal with...I did.  With the hyper-sensual world our daughters are exposed to on a daily basis it is becoming increasingly more important to have that first talk well before the age of 10.  If we don't share this information with our daughters and sons, they will pick it up elsewhere, and probably in a distorted or even perverted fashion.  There is a really great book my wife used called "The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made" by Larry Christenson.  It is kid-friendly and helps you teach your children about families, babies, and sexual intimacy from a joyful Christian perspective.


As a dad, it is vital that we learn how to create an open line of communication with our daughters about sex, and at an early enough age that it is something they are willing to openly discuss with you the older they get.  Guys, that is not an easy thing to accomplish.  You must look for opportunities to have these times of sharing.  Also, you really need to ask God for wisdom and seek knowledge based on what is age appropriate for your daughter.  A kind of litmus test for me personally was when it became evident that my daughters' interest in boys was beyond the normal boy-girl friendships of earlier childhood.  I started by letting my daughters know that one way boys are different is they are generally physically attracted to them first, whereas most girls are more interested in whether or not a guy has a good personality.  Obviously this is not in all cases, but is a good general rule. 


It is good to tell your daughter that the way they dress can heavily influence the kind of guy that is interested in them.  If they dress in clothes that overly emphasize their figures or clothes that reveal too much skin or are in any way seductive, they are going to attract the kind of guy that wants one thing and one thing only...you can guess what that might be.  Our daughters need to understand that boys and men are sight stimulated.  I remember telling my older daughters when they were in their late teens that even "50 year old" men are turned on by them if they dress immodestly.  That absolutely grossed them out and helped them start the process of being more modest in how they dressed.  We have to teach them they have a responsibility to dress modestly, not only for their own self respect, but in order to get the proper kind of respect from the opposite sex.


Our daughters need us as their fathers, to tell them that their body is a precious gift from God and is only to be given to the man they marry.  I know that may sound old fashioned to some of you guys, but do you really want your daughter sleeping with any guy they say they love, but are not committed to for life?  So many girls today are suffering from depression, and it is often related to sexual promiscuity.  Teach them to save themselves for their husbands.  If it happens to already be too late for your daughter, then teach her it is never to late to start over and remain pure till the one she marries comes along.


Guys, we have to teach our daughters that the topic of sex is a "never go there" subject with a boy.  What I tell them is that if he brings up the subject, they need to make it clear that this conversation is over before it even begins.  In my books that is a huge "red flag".  That may be the perfect time for her to make the decision to move on and out of that relationship.  I know that may sound harsh and unrealistic, but it is the standard I want her to live by...NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE!  If we don't have these really tough conversations with our daughters, how will they know what to do or say when a boy brings them up?


By the way, I do have an awesome son that is 21 years old, but I still have tried to teach all of my daughters that most boys and young men have one thing on the brain, if you know what I mean.  It might make your daughter a little cynical about boys and young men, but I believe it is a dad's job to protect his daughter and guard her heart for the man she will one day marry.


This makes a great case for a no dating policy in your home, but every home is different and you have to lead as you feel is appropriate for your home.  We will discuss that next week in more detail.


In the Bible, it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for whom he can devour.  Don't let it be your daughter!  We need to do everything we can as men to not take a passive position in raising our daughters.  It is NOT your wife's job alone to raise her to be a godly daughter.  You are the leader of the home, so do your job and lead!

My 13 year old daughter just told me she has a boyfriend...YIKES!!!

Okay guys, now we all know that the dreaded words out of our daughter's mouth no matter what her age is "Daddy, I have a boyfriend."  You know that is particularly tough because after all, we dads are generally our daughter's first true love.  We never dreamed of that day when we weren't "the one".


Having been through this with my first two oldest daughters, I already have a little experience in this area, but when my 13 year old (soon to be 14) told me about this new guy, I have to tell you that I didn't know exactly what to say.  I actually think I might have grunted at her...you know, to show my moderate displeasure.  I mean come on, she needs to know how "real" men deal with their feelings...right?  The truth is that I know it is a part of her development and growing up as a human being, but all of a sudden I found myself wanting to restrict her from everything.  In other words, make it clear that she does not have permission to do anything but eat, breathe and go to the bathroom without asking me or my wife.  Wait a minute, I forgot...those are the rules for my 10 and 5 year old daughters.  Oh well, it's the way I feel.  As you can imagine, it doesn't exactly work that way.  So the question really is...how do you speak to your daughter about this very awkward and new set of circumstances?  What do you say to her?  How do you begin the conversation?  How often do you allow her to talk with "the boy" and for how long each day?


Since this is all very recent news, I haven't yet met him.   My wife actually beat me to the punch because she sees "the boy" on a weekly basis at a school function.  She told him that I had several really BIG guns in our home, and nicknamed him "bullseye" which I thought was really appropriate.  But I will meet him very soon and have decided that I will simply address him as "bullseye" too.  I really like that name for him.  Very humbling to a young man all of 14 years of age.  It will remind him of what I am thinking every time I see him.  Truth of the matter, I hear he is a very nice young man. 


Okay, so I digress a bit.  I believe we were talking about the talk you will have with your daughter when she tells you she has a boyfriend.  I would say the best way to start a conversation with her is to ask her to tell you all about him.  Then say to her,  "Tell me why should I like him."  Then shut up and listen.  You are looking for some very key answers and they do NOT include he is cute or is really hot.  I remember growing up as a kid and being told that a good boy always believes in mom, apple pie, and the American way.  Seriously though, what you are hoping to hear her tell you is that he has high morals and values; that he is honest; that he treats her with respect and is kind to her.  I also am listening for little hints about how he feels about his parents.  Does he genuinely speak well of them?  This gives me an idea of whether he is somewhat rebellious or not.  If she is ever around his family, does she see that he is kind to his mother and respectful to his dad.  That's another good sign that he might be a decent kid.  Bottom line though...there is no boy or young man good enough for my girls.  At least not till they are asking me for my daughter's hand in marriage...which better be a really long time from now!


Well there is so much more we could discuss, but I've got to go now...its' 10pm and I've got to go tell my daughter to get off the telephone.  She's talking to "the boy" again!

10 Reasons Why I Love My Daddy

This week I wanted to share with you an unedited note that was given to a daddy by his 13 year old daughter for his birthday. I think you will really enjoy this. It should really hit home to all of us!


10 Reasons Why I love My Daddy:


1)  Because you treat us how a Godly man should treat his family!


2)  Because you work so hard to earn money to meet our needs and so we can do fun things!


3)  Because you read your Bible every morning, pray constantly, and tell people about Jesus at every opportunity, and encourage us to do the same!


4)  Because you do things with us like bike riding, playing games, tennis and family date night!


5)  Because you treat Mommy with love and respect!


6)  Because you're supportive of us in everything we do, such as sports, school, etc...


7)   Because you're committed to having Godly standards and morals!


8)  Because you read us a family devotion every night and say goodnights and prayers with us!


9)  Because you do what's best for your family even when it means making a personal sacrifice.


10)  Because you're the most amazing, loving, wonderful man to ever walk the earth, (besides Jesus :) and because of all the billions and billions of other reason I love you (:


Happy Birthday, Daddy!
Hope it was fantastic!!
Love you (:

Things daughters need from their dads - Part 3

Last week we discussed the third and fourth of seven things that daughters need from their dads, (3) Your high moral character and integrity, and (4) Your love and affection for their mom.  If you missed it, go back and check it out.  Here are the final 3 things that daughters need from their dads and as I said before, this list is not all inclusive...just a place to start.

5)  Your guidance and instruction - She needs to hear from you.  What you think about things.  How you feel about religion and spiritual things.  How you feel about politics.  These bring up great opportunities to guide her and instruct her in the way she should go with her life.  If you don't teach her how you feel and what you believe in she will get it from her friends or "the world" and believe me, generally speaking that is not a good thing.  Just as our heavenly Father desires to guide and instruct all of His children, she too needs that from you.  How she sees God has a lot to do with how she sees you.  You are the most important man in her life and her first love.  In order for her to have a healthy relationship with the heavenly Father she must have a healthy relationship with you.

You may say that you have nothing wise to offer her or don't know what to say, but I promise you have more life experiences than she does and you should share them with her...of course, it must be age appropriate.  Encourage her to be all she can be.  It seems that a lot of men may know how to do that with their sons because they can relate better with them, but when it comes to their daughters they have mixed feelings of what they want their daughters to become.  Let her know she can go to the moon and back if she wants.  She can be a doctor or a lawyer if she wants.  She can be a stay at home mom called to raising a family.

6)  Your protection - Your daughter needs to know that you are capable of protecting her from the big bad world (through her eyes).  Not that you are the biggest baddest dude out there, but that she knows she can count on you to rescue her when she is in trouble.  She needs to know that you are always on her side.  She needs to feel safe with you.  You need to be her hero. 

Author Dr. Ken Canfield, PH.D. says "We typically think of protection as defending our daughters' physical safety, but there are also emotional, moral, and spiritual dangers out there.  If we're fulfilling our role, our girls will have a sense of security even when we can't personally be there to protect them."

"First, be aware and guard against the many forces that could threaten her.  There are people who could try to lure her into a destructive lifestyle, or to follow a world-view that doesn't match with your values.  Not to mention the violence and sex on TV, the Internet, in music and movies.  You have to be aware and ready to take appropriate action.

Second, prepare her to handle dangerous situations.  We can't always be there, but teaching our daughters skills is another way of protecting them.  We can talk through scenarios and help them think through appropriate response--whether it's calling 9-1-1 or changing a flat tire.  Or conversations like, "What happens when you lie to a friend?"  Or, "What do you suppose a teenage boy is thinking about when your friend wears an outfit like that?"  We should prepare them to handle an uncomfortable dating situation, or an adult who does something inappropriate.  We need to teach them how to say "no".

And the last one is simply prayer.  The thought of protecting our daughters should be humbling, because we can't always be with them, and we can't anticipate every danger.  But we can seek God's protection daily for our daughters."

7)  Be the man you want her to marry - Do you have a gentle side, are you kind and caring?  Are you loving?  Does she have your respect?  Do you place more emphasis on the needs of others than yourselves?  Or does everything revolve around you and the things you want?  Believe me, your daughter is watching you.  And maybe even more importantly as I alluded to above, she is watching how you treat your wife, whether she is her mom or not.

Be honest.  Be trustworthy and faithful.  Be a man she can depend on.  Be diligent and hardworking...willing to sacrifice that his family may have what they need.  Not necessarily all that they want or desire, but all that they need.   Be even tempered.  Be compassionate, honest, and courageous.  As I mentioned above, protect her and be a man of integrity.

Well dads, that's all I can think of for now.  These were just a few of the things that came to mind when I think of raising my daughters, but there is so much more.  This journey never ends.  I truly hope you will share your words of wisdom, experiences, and hope with us.  As men, we need each other.  It is a war zone out there and there is an enemy who prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for who he may devour.  He wants to devour our marriages, our daughters (and sons), and our very lives!  We as men must fight if we are to take back our families and be the leader of our homes!

(And for those women that happen to find or stumble onto this blog, we welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.  We need to hear things from your perspective too...so be bold and blog on!)