Cleaning this Gun (Come on in Boy)

I haven't posted in a while as I have been super busy and moved on to other things, but when I saw this video I thought of all the guys who read this daddying daughter blog.  You've got to watch this brief YouTube video by country music singer, Rodney Atkins.  It's great!  Believe me, as the daddy of a daughter you will be able to relate!  Hope it makes you smile!  Enjoy...

Are you looking for teachable moments?

One of the greatest ways to daddy your daughter is by taking her everywhere you go when you are at home in the evenings or on the weekends.  Any kind of errands or whatever.  When you are at work, take her with you from time to time.  If you are self-employed, let her work for you during the summer.  That is invaluable training and she will learn so much by just watching how you operate with other people.  Not to be harsh, but if you aren't willing to spend time with her, you probably shouldn't have had children.  These are part of the responsibilities that come from being a father and a real man.  The benefits of spending time with her are eternal!  

I know we guys often look at errands as an opportunity to get away from the house and to have some time to ourselves, but you are missing huge opportunities to teach your daughter all sorts of things.  These things oftentimes occur on a whim.  I call these teachable moments.  I often go to one of my favorite stores, the Home Depot and it's fun taking either my 14 yr old or my 10 yr old along.  They get to hear about things that men are generally interested in, not just from a daddy's point of view, but from a man's point of view.  You know...building things, fixing things, replacing things, tearing things down and so on.  I really enjoy taking them with me...it's a lot of fun!

As an example, years ago while shopping with one of my older children, it was a very windy day and when I got out of the car, the wind ripped my door right out of my hand slamming it into the car next to me.  As my child sat there watching to see what I would do, it was clear I had to not only do the right thing, but also set the right example for her.  So I wrote a note apologizing to the owner of the car for dinging their door leaving my name and number for them to call me.  The cool thing is that they never called me!  This has actually happened to me more than once.  It is amazing how things sometimes work out when you choose to do the right thing.  Either way, my conscience was clear and I had been given an opportunity to demonstrate to my daughter a real example of living by the Golden Rule..."do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

The main point of all of this is that teachable moments don't always happen just by hanging around the house.  You have to go out and experience these moments  with your daughter.  In those moments you have a chance to show her right from wrong and to teach her wisdom.  She is looking to see if you are a man of character and integrity and trust me, even if they don't what those mean, they are watching you.  Plus she learns one moment at a time, what you stand for and what you believe in.  Better she learn from you than on her own in the world.  You can never put a price on that!

So the next time you go to the Home Depot or the grocery store or wherever, take that precious gift with you!

Wanna play catch?

I know that in the past I placed a lot of emphasis on dads doing a bunch of girly things with their daughters like playing with Barbies, etc.  And if you really want to have a good relationship with your daughter, don't think you will ever get out of doing those things.  Haven't met a little girl yet that doesn't love playing Barbies with her daddy.  Thank goodness, they do eventually outgrow them...whew!!!  However, I was reminded that they really enjoy doing many "guy" things too...things I like doing like playing catch, riding bikes, going on "adventures" in the wildlife refuge near our home, etc.  And more importantly, they like doing these things with me!  The point here is that girls just yearn to be with their daddies no matter what the activity is!

So last weekend I invited two of my daughters, age 14 and 10, to play catch with me...a traditional male kind of activity.  You know, throwing the ball so hard at each other that even with a glove on it stings when it hits the palm of your hand.  Even as I am writing this I feel the testerone rushing through my veins.  You know the feeling, right?  But wait, I need to digress for a minute...

 

When my 26 year old married daughter was around 12 or 13 years old, she and I were playing catch with a softball.  Believe me, don't ever sell your daughter's strength and abilities short.  She knew how to burn those pitches in and could probably throw a softball around 40 to 50 miles an hour.  So she throws one at me and it went high, deflecting off of an overhead electrical wire and straight at my mouth.  When it hit, blood went everywhere and I think she thought she had seriously maimed me for life.  Man, I thought so too!  I couldn't feel my lips or my teeth.  Quite honestly, I didn't know if I still had any teeth!  Because my wife was busy cooking dinner for the rest of our children and we had a baby sleeping, I had to drive myself to the emergency room to get stitches.  That was one of those "tough guy" moments...an experience I will not soon forget!  We still laugh about that to this day.  (No, I wasn't laughing at the time!!!)

Anyway, back to my 14 and 10 year olds...

We spent over an hour just throwing and hitting the softball.  Both of my girls are really good hitters.  My 14 yr old does an amazing job of throwing and catching the ball.  She has a really good eye!  Here we are playing catch and I realize...wow, how cool, I have a totally captive audience.  No cellphones or texting or any other kind of distractions.  Just one on one with me and my girls.  We had so much fun that day!

When you have times like that, teach them your values.  Teach them principles of success like "winners never quit and quitters never win" or whatever else comes to mind that fits the moment.  But, also let them know that even when they mess up, like continually missing the ball or throwing wild pitches over and over, that you still love them...unconditionally.   Praise them when they do well and encourage and comfort them when they don't.  

The Bible says there is "life and death in the power of the tongue", so as a father it is vital that we use the power of our words to encourage our daughters to be all God created them to be.  Doing simple things like playing catch or just hanging out with them gives you tremendous opportunities to transform their lives and the way they think.

Teach them the only way they will ever appreciate success is by experiencing failure or as I prefer to call it, "learning experiences".  Teach them how to take wise risks and that nothing great was ever achieved by doing nothing!

Now, take a "wise" risk and go play catch with your daughter!   

Peanut Butter and Jelly and Spongebob!

Peanut Butter and Jelly and Spongebob!  That is what my 5 year old said when I asked my 3 youngest daughters what I should write on my blog this week.  Well I don't exactly know how to expound on that one, but man I sure love hearing such cute and innocent comments from the heart of such a sweet little girl.  My 14 year old chimed in saying "daddy, why don't you write about how you have changed your mind about letting me date."  Wow, it reminds me how fast they grow up!  
 
Our daughters are constantly told they are not complete unless they have a boyfriend.  Have you watched kids cable channels lately?  They show girls having boyfriends at a very young age.  Dads, it is important that they hear how wonderful they are from us and not some "boy".  Despite the pressure they feel to be smart, thin and pretty, we have the ability to make them feel beautiful, inside and out.  Look for opportunities to compliment them on character qualities we notice in them like honesty, intelligence, courage, a sense of humor, etc.  Please just spend time hanging out together...no agenda.  It's amazing what you will learn about them.  Maybe, just maybe, they might wait a little longer on the boyfriend thing.  (Did I say just maybe?)   

Our daughters are under great pressure to look, act, and be a certain way...in order to maintain a particular image.  They may drink, they may do drugs, and to make sure they stay thin enough, they will even stick their finger down their throat to throw up the food they just ate.  They are told how important it is to have the latest greatest clothes, shoes, hair style...you name it.  Their self-worth is often tied up in these things.  We dads have a huge influence in helping our daughters in these areas.  We must get comfortable saying things out loud to our daughters that are affirming to them.

To give you an idea of what's going on out there in their world, check out the following stats and then PLEASE watch the short video at the end of this post..."Lifehouse Everything - Drama".  This video is awesome!  I warn you in advance...you may need a tissue.

½ of Youth are not virgins
Over 1,500 youth kill themselves a year
1 in 4 Youth use illegal drugs
40% of youth have self inflicted wounds
1/3 of youth have been drunk in the last month
1 million are pregnant
1 in 5 youth have thought about suicide
8,000 youth get an STD everyday

It’s time to take a stand!  Help her to not conform to the influences of this generation!  Dads, we must stand "in the gap" for our daughters.  But even when we don't, it is comforting to know there is an ultimate father in Jesus who will stand in the gap for them.

Discipling Your Daughter

Guys, it is important to remember that a dad is a discipler of his daughter.  In that role we are to equip and train her on how to grow up to become a godly woman...one that exhibits high moral character and integrity.  So many times we dads leave it up to the church or Sunday school to do this, when in fact her primary training should come from us.  For those of you reading this blog who may not understand the word discipleship, I am using it from a Christian perspective.  Discipleship is the intensely personal activity of two or more persons helping each other experience a growing relationship with God.  The word disciple literally means A LEARNER and denotes "one who follows another's teaching".  Your daughter is your disciple.  She should be an imitator of you as her teacher.  Setting a godly example is part of that discipleship process.  The Bible says we are to "encourage one another, and build up one another, just as you also are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Dads, they are watching EVERYTHING we do...the way we treat their mother, how we treat and speak of our neighbors, the language we use in our home, the shows we watch on television, and the movies we rent and the list goes on and on.  My teenage daughter is always asking my wife and I about the movies we rent and whether or not she can watch too.  Most of the time, the kind of movies we watch are okay for her.  However, trust me, if you are watching "R" rated movies in your home, your daughter knows it...especially your teenage daughter.  Now guys, I know what you are thinking...hey, it's only "R" for violence, like a really cool war movie or action flick.  I struggle with that one too sometimes, but in our home we have decided to simply draw a line in the sand that we don't cross.  It makes it easier to live by that standard than having to justify to my daughter, one movie at a time, why we decided that particular "R" rated movie was okay.  We don't do horror flicks and we even make a concerted effort not to bring home PG-13 movies that are sexual in nature.  It's hard enough to raise girls that are pure and holy and moral so why would you ever want to invite evil into your home.  Don't do it...take the lead in your home and just say no!

As fathers, we are watchmen and guardians over our home.  We must not be asleep at the gates.  It is so tempting when we get home from work to let our children come and go all around us, and not engage with them, leaving them to watch out for themselves.  But we just can't...we are watchmen.  We must get involved and not be aloof in the short few hours we spend each day at home.  If you are married, don't leave it up to your wife to take care of all your daughter's needs.  Serve your wife and help with the kids as much as you can.  Daughters (and sons) are a gift from God and should be a blessing to your family.  However, raising them is a total team effort between a husband and his wife.  Anyway, as I was saying...it is vitally important that we pay attention to everything going on in our home and in the life of our daughter.  Know who your daughter's friends are, ask her who she is talking to on the phone, listen to her music, protect your computers and block all inappropriate content, and know what she is watching on television.  And once every now and then, you need to take her cellphone from her with no notice and read the things she is texting to her friends.  Make no apologies either.  Accountability is a really great thing for her.  When she knows she is being watched, it helps keep her on the straight and narrow path.  (By the way, it works that way for us guys too.  If you don't currently have a spiritual mentor or discipler, find one!)

Let your daughter know what you believe in...she will generally follow your lead.  I can't tell you how many times I made some political statement or comment about something only to hear it echoed back to me in the words of my daughter.  The old saying, "if you don't believe in something, you will fall for anything" really applies here.  I might even modify that a bit to say "if you, as her father, don't stand for something, your daughter may fall for anything".  She is so vulnerable without you.  Train her and equip her to know right from wrong, good from evil, and help her make good choices along the way.  "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."(Proverbs 3:7)

Why are daughters so unreasonable?

Hey, news alert...A teen's brain is not fully developed!  Due to the development of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), great strides have been made in the study of the brain.  It was once thought that the brain was fully formed by the end of childhood, but research has shown that there is profound growth of the brain during adolescence.  

Gee, I bet you didn't need science to figure that one out.  Just talk to your teenage daughter and try to reason with her sometime....good luck!  The greatest changes to her brain occur in adolescence.  These include the parts responsible for impulse-control, judgment, decision-making, planning, organization and other functions like emotion.  This area of the brain does not reach full maturity until around age 25...WOW! That explains a lot around my home!

Have you every tried in good conscience to explain to your daughter (of any age) what the reasons are for your decision in matters affecting her?  No matter how hard you try to logically and rationally explain yourself, she just doesn’t seem to get it.  Of course, in wanting her to better understand us, we continue to explain more and more and more, thinking that if we could say it just a little bit different, she will agree with our decision.  BUT, she doesn’t which often times leads to arguments in other areas that are way off topic from where you started.  This becomes a never ending cycle, digging one’s self deeper and deeper into the abyss of frustration!  Don’t keep trying to get her “buy in”.  Offer a brief explanation if you need to, but let your decision stand. “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No’, no, or you will be condemned.” (from the Bible, James 5:12.)  That about explains it all!

Regardless of how smart she is or how great a kid she is, your daughter doesn't have the maturity of an adult.  Sometimes she will be unreasonable.  She will be impulsive.  She won’t always use good judgment.  It is so easy for her to get into trouble, but you can help keep her out of it.  Again, be involved in all aspects of her life.  My daughters think I am overprotective at times and I am okay with that.  At least I have the hope of knowing that when those brains of theirs reach maturity, they will realize just how right I was all along!

under construction

I am a father "under construction".  You know, a work in progress.  Do you remember when you were a kid and used to build things like forts...indoors and outdoors?  You spent hours being entertained by this.  Well, one of the coolest things your children do is the same thing you used to do.  I am totally amazed when my 10 year old daughter takes the most random things from around the house to build with.  What an awesome expression of her own unique and personal creativity!  I love it when she builds forts because I can really relate to that back when I was a young boy.  Here's the problem...unfortunately, now that I am a "grownup" and have become responsible (boring?), I am a neat freak and I am constantly biting my tongue to not yell at her for making a mess of things.  Why?  Because she usually chooses the main living areas of the home to do her building...blocking off all ingress and egress (oh, shoot...there I go again, being a grownup!).  Anyway, you know she just makes the room totally inaccessible for the rest of the family.  But even though she does, WOW, how cool are her forts!

Sometimes I really have a hard time when she does these things.  What I keep telling myself is these are good things.  After all, don't they allow her to express the creative talents God gave her?  Who cares about a messy house anyway (keep telling yourself that, over and over and over and over and over...)?  When she goes inside her fort, she enters a world that is her world...the ultimate in make believe where anything is possible.  I really am thrilled that she is using her mind to do something resourceful rather than vegging out in front of the boob tube or playing on the computer.  I know I need to encourage this!  To my wife's credit, she let's our girls do these kinds of things all the time.  She clearly sees the big picture way better than me!  I'm the one that struggles with it.  

My struggle isn't only with the mess, though.  When I was a boy, I was taught not only to respect the property of others, but also to take care of my own stuff.  That's a good thing, right?  So when I see our sofa pillows, blankets, pillows and comforters off of our beds, rubberbands to hold things in place, and any other miscellaneous thing she can find, I really have a hard time not getting irritated.  Where do I draw the line between teaching them to be creative and have fun and yet still take care of the material things we have been blessed with?  It really is a great opportunity to teach them to be good stewards over all they have been given.  If nothing else, they learn how to take care of other people's things in the process.  However, I always have to remind myself when I am getting ready to jump all over them that THEY are way more important than all the stuff in the world...even the stuff in MY world.  At the end of the day, it's all just junk.  But dog gone it, it's MY junk.  As I said, I'm clearly still under construction! 

Anyway, back to the building thing.  My precious daughter is quite amazing and very creative.  The best part is when she is all done and invites me to play with her in her new fort.  It's like entering a whole new world with no worries and only the two (or three or four...well, you get it) of you.  You never know what you might find.  Who knows maybe she will be an architect someday...or maybe she'll just learn to be a really great mommy to her kids when they want to create something in their home.  So for now, I write this as a reminder to myself to let my girls be girls...they grow up sooooooooo fast!  Guys, build those forts with them and play with them.  Enter their world...it is guaranteed to keep you young forever.  And remember, just for a little while...forget about the mess!   

As I am writing this blog at this very moment, my daughter is building a fort...in my office.   Looks like I will have to go through her fantasy world ("the fort") to get out on the other side.  Hey wait a minute, where'd she go?  Oh my goodness...she has already moved on to other adventures.  Man are they hard to keep up with!  How the heck am I going to get out of here?   It's alright, I know I can do this.  Okay, I just need to go in this door and crawl down this passageway and...wow, it's really amazing in here.  How cool!  Wait a minute, is it this way or that way?  Oh no, I think I'm lost!  Hey, is anyone out there?  Honey, are you out there?  Daddy really wants out of here.  Help!

Daddy, will you pleeeeeeeease play with me?

Well dads, how many times have you heard those words?  Those are some of the sweetest words your little girl could ever say to you.  Wow, I mean think about it, they actually want to be with just you...how cool is that!  And what do YOU say? "Sweetie, maybe later...daddy is really busy right now".  Sound familiar?  I can't tell you how many times I have done that over the years, and it breaks my heart every time I think about the countless times I told my daughters "maybe later"...and later never came.

Does your daughter always seem to ask you right in the middle of something you are doing that YOU think is "important"?  Hey, don't get me wrong, I know there are times when we have to bring work home, fix things around the house, pay bills, etc.  Some of these things may even need to be done at that particular moment.  In that case when possible, tell your daughter you will do something with her as soon as you finish.  Then give her a reasonable time so she will know how long she will have to wait and then MAKE IT HAPPEN.  Keep your word.  Don't blow her off!

Hey guys, coincidentally (or is it?)...at this very moment my girls are playing all around me begging me to play with them, but hey, I've got my priorities straight...I'm writing my blog about daddying daughters and that is really important, right?

Oh all right, I'll be right back...

Had to go play princess in the back yard with my two little girls (ages 5 and 10).  Pretty cool...they just wanted to be with me.  The funny thing is, they're not thinking that I am a man and that men don't play princess (or Barbies or any other girly thing they want to play).  However, maybe they do get it, because they sure were laughing at me a lot!  Guys, you have never lived until you have worn a tiara.  I know some of you will have to go look that up in the dictionary.

In all seriousness, sadly I can probably count on one hand over the past year the number of times that I actually stopped what I was doing and without hesitation said the magic words "okay, what do you want to play?".  How about you?  Can you relate to that?  Every now and then, we just need to say "okay".  Probably be a good idea to actually put a little "daddy daughter" time on your calendar.  Be intentional about it.  Otherwise, life just slips away and so do they!

One day, and not all that far down the road, they just quit asking.  That is a really sad day!  Don't let that happen...the only way we ever really get to know our daughters is just being with them.  Play with them, be with them, and do it often!  When I am with my little girls they usually tell me everything on their minds and in their heart.  I believe we reap big dividends for that time when they become teenagers and later on in their adult life!

Okay dads, here is a challenge for you this week...

I challenge you the next time your little girl (or not so little) says, "daddy will you please play with me", I dare you to drop what you are doing at that very moment and go play.  I double dog dare you!

No dating...are you kidding me? (Part 2)

As we discussed last week, what do you do if your daughter does have a boyfriend or doesn't buy-in to not having boyfriends along the way?  Can you still have a "no dating" policy in your home?  Absolutely!  I know that may sound strange, you know...allowing her to have a "boyfriend" and yet telling her she can't date.  What I mean is that maybe you allow her and her boyfriend to talk on the phone, facebook each other, see each other at school, and at church youth activities where responsible adult leaders are around, etc.  However, under no circumstances should they be allowed to go anywhere alone together...no exceptions!  Let me say that again, NEVER allow them to be alone together!  

Again, in our home we would prefer that they are just friends with guys and that they would preserve their heart for their future husband.  However, if they still choose to have a boyfriend in their mid teen years (16-17), we might start allowing them to hang out with him in group settings where adults we trust and that share our values are always around.  We would also encourage them to hang out with us in our home.  That is the only way we can get to know their boyfriends well and know the kind of character he has...or lack thereof.  In their later teen years, as they show maturity and responsibility, you might allow "group dating", where 3 or more couples go out together.  Again, to prevent alone time, maybe the girls meet at one house and the guys pick them up there.  Our hope is that our daughters would see what a protection this is for them, and be wise enough to hold to this way of dating until marriage.

Maybe you don't agree with this philosophy, and think that dating is fine for your daughter.  Here's a thought...a few years ago I read a book by Jim Talley and Bobbie Reed called "Too Close Too Soon".  In it, their studies show that if a couple spends enough time together (something like 300 hours) the inevitable outcome if they remain together (even a couple with high moral standards) is sexual intimacy. This builds a great case against long dating relationships, starting to date too early, or even having too long an engagement before marriage.  So when your daughter is way too young to marry, how can you help protect her from getting "too close too soon"?  One answer might simply lie in limiting on a daily basis the amount of time you allow your daughter to communicate with and spend time with a boyfriend.  I know that is very difficult, but how much do you love your daughter?  The other way, as already mentioned above, might be a "no dating" policy in your home.  The choice is yours.  Either way, we as fathers and in agreement with our wives, must establish boundaries and rules for our daughters in our homes.  Dads, whatever you choose, BE INVOLVED!  My daughters might think I am overprotective at times and I am okay with that.  At least they know I love them.

I know these thoughts may be very controversial to you, but they definitely should give you something to think about when it comes to creating the standards you want to have in your home.   Whether you agree or not, I genuinely would love to hear from you and get your feedback.

Have a great week!!!

No dating...are you kidding me? (Part 1)

Last week we discussed sex and how difficult that subject is to talk about with your daughter, which leads me into the very controversial topic of "no dating".

One of the best ways to deter premarital sex is for your daughter to NOT date.  Think about it...kind of makes sense doesn't it?  My wife and I have decided to do that with our 3 youngest daughters.  I am praying we can stick with that.  Only time will tell as to whether or not it was a good decision.  Truthfully, my desire is that they won't date till they are old enough to get married.  As teenagers, I hate seeing "my little girls" give pieces of their hearts to guys they eventually will break up with, regardless of who does the breaking up.  Speaking as a dad, I want my them to save their heart for the one guy they will marry and spend their life with.  Even though we did not ask it of our two oldest daughters (now adults and great women of God), I do believe they experienced some heartaches along the way that could have been avoided had they not dated as teenagers.

If you do choose to give "no dating" a try, it is a decision that you and your wife should both agree to and please, please, please do your best to get buy-in from your daughter.  It is our job as dads to help her understand why it is a good thing.

Please understand, she may agree to the "no dating" thing or agree to comply with it as a rule in your home, but this doesn't necessarily mean she won't have a boyfriend or two along the way.  Our desire would be for her not to have boyfriends at all, but you may find that tough to sell.  However, what "no dating" does mean to her as a teen in our home is that she will not ever be allowed to be alone with a boyfriend...under any circumstances to the best of our ability.  We also hope to impress upon her the importance of continuing to live by those values even when she is out of the home...at least until she finds the guy she plans on marrying.  This may be difficult for her, but not impossible.

As I see it, what's the point of my daughter having a boyfriend before she is old enough and mature enough to marry?  If you think about it, the relationship can't really go anywhere, especially if helping her to maintain purity is one of your primary objectives.  Plus, as I mentioned above, it just doesn't seem healthy for her to give bits and pieces of her heart to any guy before marriage.  Part of our job as dads is to guard the hearts of our daughters.

You might say, how can my daughter ever figure out the kind of man she wants to marry if she doesn't learn it through a kind of process of elimination that occurs from the good and bad experiences of dating?  As dads we have to teach her the kind of character qualities to look for in a husband.  If you are a man of faith, you teach her to trust God for the man she will ultimately marry.  Then pray for her and the man God is saving for her.  One of the best things we can do for our daughter is to be the kind of man we want her to marry since most of the time, they will marry a man just like we are...WOW!!!  That is very humbling and could be a very frightening thought depending on the kind of man you have chosen to be.

Yes, I know all of this is very radical, but my desire is to help my daughter grow in character and godliness with her whole heart committed to God first, then her family.

More to come next week...

We will continue the discussion on daughters having boyfriends and living with a "no dating" policy in the home.  You don't want to miss it!

Have a great week!!!

Sex, a touchy subject...no pun intended.

Sex can be one of the most awkward topics you will ever discuss with your daughter, but it doesn't have to be.  For this week, I am assuming she has already been taught "the birds and the bees".  I would guess that most men leave that up to the mom to deal with...I did.  With the hyper-sensual world our daughters are exposed to on a daily basis it is becoming increasingly more important to have that first talk well before the age of 10.  If we don't share this information with our daughters and sons, they will pick it up elsewhere, and probably in a distorted or even perverted fashion.  There is a really great book my wife used called "The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made" by Larry Christenson.  It is kid-friendly and helps you teach your children about families, babies, and sexual intimacy from a joyful Christian perspective.


As a dad, it is vital that we learn how to create an open line of communication with our daughters about sex, and at an early enough age that it is something they are willing to openly discuss with you the older they get.  Guys, that is not an easy thing to accomplish.  You must look for opportunities to have these times of sharing.  Also, you really need to ask God for wisdom and seek knowledge based on what is age appropriate for your daughter.  A kind of litmus test for me personally was when it became evident that my daughters' interest in boys was beyond the normal boy-girl friendships of earlier childhood.  I started by letting my daughters know that one way boys are different is they are generally physically attracted to them first, whereas most girls are more interested in whether or not a guy has a good personality.  Obviously this is not in all cases, but is a good general rule. 


It is good to tell your daughter that the way they dress can heavily influence the kind of guy that is interested in them.  If they dress in clothes that overly emphasize their figures or clothes that reveal too much skin or are in any way seductive, they are going to attract the kind of guy that wants one thing and one thing only...you can guess what that might be.  Our daughters need to understand that boys and men are sight stimulated.  I remember telling my older daughters when they were in their late teens that even "50 year old" men are turned on by them if they dress immodestly.  That absolutely grossed them out and helped them start the process of being more modest in how they dressed.  We have to teach them they have a responsibility to dress modestly, not only for their own self respect, but in order to get the proper kind of respect from the opposite sex.


Our daughters need us as their fathers, to tell them that their body is a precious gift from God and is only to be given to the man they marry.  I know that may sound old fashioned to some of you guys, but do you really want your daughter sleeping with any guy they say they love, but are not committed to for life?  So many girls today are suffering from depression, and it is often related to sexual promiscuity.  Teach them to save themselves for their husbands.  If it happens to already be too late for your daughter, then teach her it is never to late to start over and remain pure till the one she marries comes along.


Guys, we have to teach our daughters that the topic of sex is a "never go there" subject with a boy.  What I tell them is that if he brings up the subject, they need to make it clear that this conversation is over before it even begins.  In my books that is a huge "red flag".  That may be the perfect time for her to make the decision to move on and out of that relationship.  I know that may sound harsh and unrealistic, but it is the standard I want her to live by...NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE!  If we don't have these really tough conversations with our daughters, how will they know what to do or say when a boy brings them up?


By the way, I do have an awesome son that is 21 years old, but I still have tried to teach all of my daughters that most boys and young men have one thing on the brain, if you know what I mean.  It might make your daughter a little cynical about boys and young men, but I believe it is a dad's job to protect his daughter and guard her heart for the man she will one day marry.


This makes a great case for a no dating policy in your home, but every home is different and you have to lead as you feel is appropriate for your home.  We will discuss that next week in more detail.


In the Bible, it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for whom he can devour.  Don't let it be your daughter!  We need to do everything we can as men to not take a passive position in raising our daughters.  It is NOT your wife's job alone to raise her to be a godly daughter.  You are the leader of the home, so do your job and lead!

My 13 year old daughter just told me she has a boyfriend...YIKES!!!

Okay guys, now we all know that the dreaded words out of our daughter's mouth no matter what her age is "Daddy, I have a boyfriend."  You know that is particularly tough because after all, we dads are generally our daughter's first true love.  We never dreamed of that day when we weren't "the one".


Having been through this with my first two oldest daughters, I already have a little experience in this area, but when my 13 year old (soon to be 14) told me about this new guy, I have to tell you that I didn't know exactly what to say.  I actually think I might have grunted at her...you know, to show my moderate displeasure.  I mean come on, she needs to know how "real" men deal with their feelings...right?  The truth is that I know it is a part of her development and growing up as a human being, but all of a sudden I found myself wanting to restrict her from everything.  In other words, make it clear that she does not have permission to do anything but eat, breathe and go to the bathroom without asking me or my wife.  Wait a minute, I forgot...those are the rules for my 10 and 5 year old daughters.  Oh well, it's the way I feel.  As you can imagine, it doesn't exactly work that way.  So the question really is...how do you speak to your daughter about this very awkward and new set of circumstances?  What do you say to her?  How do you begin the conversation?  How often do you allow her to talk with "the boy" and for how long each day?


Since this is all very recent news, I haven't yet met him.   My wife actually beat me to the punch because she sees "the boy" on a weekly basis at a school function.  She told him that I had several really BIG guns in our home, and nicknamed him "bullseye" which I thought was really appropriate.  But I will meet him very soon and have decided that I will simply address him as "bullseye" too.  I really like that name for him.  Very humbling to a young man all of 14 years of age.  It will remind him of what I am thinking every time I see him.  Truth of the matter, I hear he is a very nice young man. 


Okay, so I digress a bit.  I believe we were talking about the talk you will have with your daughter when she tells you she has a boyfriend.  I would say the best way to start a conversation with her is to ask her to tell you all about him.  Then say to her,  "Tell me why should I like him."  Then shut up and listen.  You are looking for some very key answers and they do NOT include he is cute or is really hot.  I remember growing up as a kid and being told that a good boy always believes in mom, apple pie, and the American way.  Seriously though, what you are hoping to hear her tell you is that he has high morals and values; that he is honest; that he treats her with respect and is kind to her.  I also am listening for little hints about how he feels about his parents.  Does he genuinely speak well of them?  This gives me an idea of whether he is somewhat rebellious or not.  If she is ever around his family, does she see that he is kind to his mother and respectful to his dad.  That's another good sign that he might be a decent kid.  Bottom line though...there is no boy or young man good enough for my girls.  At least not till they are asking me for my daughter's hand in marriage...which better be a really long time from now!


Well there is so much more we could discuss, but I've got to go now...its' 10pm and I've got to go tell my daughter to get off the telephone.  She's talking to "the boy" again!

10 Reasons Why I Love My Daddy

This week I wanted to share with you an unedited note that was given to a daddy by his 13 year old daughter for his birthday. I think you will really enjoy this. It should really hit home to all of us!


10 Reasons Why I love My Daddy:


1)  Because you treat us how a Godly man should treat his family!


2)  Because you work so hard to earn money to meet our needs and so we can do fun things!


3)  Because you read your Bible every morning, pray constantly, and tell people about Jesus at every opportunity, and encourage us to do the same!


4)  Because you do things with us like bike riding, playing games, tennis and family date night!


5)  Because you treat Mommy with love and respect!


6)  Because you're supportive of us in everything we do, such as sports, school, etc...


7)   Because you're committed to having Godly standards and morals!


8)  Because you read us a family devotion every night and say goodnights and prayers with us!


9)  Because you do what's best for your family even when it means making a personal sacrifice.


10)  Because you're the most amazing, loving, wonderful man to ever walk the earth, (besides Jesus :) and because of all the billions and billions of other reason I love you (:


Happy Birthday, Daddy!
Hope it was fantastic!!
Love you (:

Things daughters need from their dads - Part 3

Last week we discussed the third and fourth of seven things that daughters need from their dads, (3) Your high moral character and integrity, and (4) Your love and affection for their mom.  If you missed it, go back and check it out.  Here are the final 3 things that daughters need from their dads and as I said before, this list is not all inclusive...just a place to start.

5)  Your guidance and instruction - She needs to hear from you.  What you think about things.  How you feel about religion and spiritual things.  How you feel about politics.  These bring up great opportunities to guide her and instruct her in the way she should go with her life.  If you don't teach her how you feel and what you believe in she will get it from her friends or "the world" and believe me, generally speaking that is not a good thing.  Just as our heavenly Father desires to guide and instruct all of His children, she too needs that from you.  How she sees God has a lot to do with how she sees you.  You are the most important man in her life and her first love.  In order for her to have a healthy relationship with the heavenly Father she must have a healthy relationship with you.

You may say that you have nothing wise to offer her or don't know what to say, but I promise you have more life experiences than she does and you should share them with her...of course, it must be age appropriate.  Encourage her to be all she can be.  It seems that a lot of men may know how to do that with their sons because they can relate better with them, but when it comes to their daughters they have mixed feelings of what they want their daughters to become.  Let her know she can go to the moon and back if she wants.  She can be a doctor or a lawyer if she wants.  She can be a stay at home mom called to raising a family.

6)  Your protection - Your daughter needs to know that you are capable of protecting her from the big bad world (through her eyes).  Not that you are the biggest baddest dude out there, but that she knows she can count on you to rescue her when she is in trouble.  She needs to know that you are always on her side.  She needs to feel safe with you.  You need to be her hero. 

Author Dr. Ken Canfield, PH.D. says "We typically think of protection as defending our daughters' physical safety, but there are also emotional, moral, and spiritual dangers out there.  If we're fulfilling our role, our girls will have a sense of security even when we can't personally be there to protect them."

"First, be aware and guard against the many forces that could threaten her.  There are people who could try to lure her into a destructive lifestyle, or to follow a world-view that doesn't match with your values.  Not to mention the violence and sex on TV, the Internet, in music and movies.  You have to be aware and ready to take appropriate action.

Second, prepare her to handle dangerous situations.  We can't always be there, but teaching our daughters skills is another way of protecting them.  We can talk through scenarios and help them think through appropriate response--whether it's calling 9-1-1 or changing a flat tire.  Or conversations like, "What happens when you lie to a friend?"  Or, "What do you suppose a teenage boy is thinking about when your friend wears an outfit like that?"  We should prepare them to handle an uncomfortable dating situation, or an adult who does something inappropriate.  We need to teach them how to say "no".

And the last one is simply prayer.  The thought of protecting our daughters should be humbling, because we can't always be with them, and we can't anticipate every danger.  But we can seek God's protection daily for our daughters."

7)  Be the man you want her to marry - Do you have a gentle side, are you kind and caring?  Are you loving?  Does she have your respect?  Do you place more emphasis on the needs of others than yourselves?  Or does everything revolve around you and the things you want?  Believe me, your daughter is watching you.  And maybe even more importantly as I alluded to above, she is watching how you treat your wife, whether she is her mom or not.

Be honest.  Be trustworthy and faithful.  Be a man she can depend on.  Be diligent and hardworking...willing to sacrifice that his family may have what they need.  Not necessarily all that they want or desire, but all that they need.   Be even tempered.  Be compassionate, honest, and courageous.  As I mentioned above, protect her and be a man of integrity.

Well dads, that's all I can think of for now.  These were just a few of the things that came to mind when I think of raising my daughters, but there is so much more.  This journey never ends.  I truly hope you will share your words of wisdom, experiences, and hope with us.  As men, we need each other.  It is a war zone out there and there is an enemy who prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for who he may devour.  He wants to devour our marriages, our daughters (and sons), and our very lives!  We as men must fight if we are to take back our families and be the leader of our homes!

(And for those women that happen to find or stumble onto this blog, we welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.  We need to hear things from your perspective too...so be bold and blog on!)

Things daughters need from their dads - Part 2

Last week we discussed the first two things of seven that daughters need from their dads, (1) Your unconditional love, and (2) Your time.  If you missed it, go back and check it out.  These are what I believe are the next two things that daughters need from their dads...


3)  Your high moral character and integrity - It is vitally important that your daughter sees you live a life beyond reproach.  She must know what you stand for and that you will stick to it even in the face of challenge and adversity...that you won't waver.  This not only gives her security, but also gives her courage to face the battles she is sure to have.  That can be very difficult in a world that constantly encourages us to do what makes us happy no matter who it hurts.

It is imperative that you teach her right from wrong, good from evil, and do your best each day to be an example of that in your home and at work.  If you are a Christian that means that you follow and obey the Bible, the inspired Word of God and teach her to do the same.  You must teach her to always strive to do what is right and make good choices even when no one else is watching...that is integrity.  You must teach her that her word is her bond and that she must keep her word, even when it hurts (short of taking back something she said she would do that would be harmful to her or that would not be pleasing to God). 

4)  Your love and affection for their mom - If you are married to her mother (50% of you will be), one of the most important things you can do as a father is to love, I mean really love her mother.

Now I understand that if you are divorced (the other 50% of you), that might not be possible, but at least you must never speak poorly of her mom.  It affects how she sees herself as a human being and as a person of worth and value, since from her perspective "mom" is the most important and special person in her life along with you.

If you are married to her mom, it is vital that she see how much you love her mom, that you are willing to serve her, that you treat her well, that you speak to her in love and with respect, and that you live with her in an understanding way.  As Christians we are taught that if we do not honor and live with our wives in an understanding way, that even our prayers are hindered!  This is found in the New Testament of the Bible (1 Peter 3:7).  We are also taught to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (died for it)...WOW! (Ephesians 5:25)  Will your daughter be able to say that you love her mother in that way?


Coming next week:  5) Your guidance and instruction, 6) Your protection, and 7) Be the man you want her to marry...


(And for those women that happen to find or stumble onto this blog, we welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.  We need to hear things from your perspective too...so be bold and blog on!)

Things daughters need from their dads - Part 1

Guys, if you want to know the kind of impact a father can have on his daughter, whether good or bad, take a look at this video.  It is based on real life events of this well known actress, who is desperately crying out to her father for love.  Now wipe your eyes and go tell your daughter how much you love her!

Have you ever given any thought to what your daughter needs from you?  Relating to daughters doesn't come natural for us guys.  I would like to offer these as just a few things she needs, and other than "unconditional love", they are not necessarily in any kind of order.  Because I am a Christian, these will be from a Christian perspective; however, if you are of another faith or maybe even no faith, I'm sure you will find these principles still apply.  I will be sharing more over the weeks to come.

1)  Your unconditional love -One of the most precious gifts you can ever receive from God is the gift of children.  And although we guys often have a hard time understanding much less relating to the tender hearts of our daughters, they are something to treasure.  She needs to know that when she is being emotional or irrational, or being a "drama queen", or is upset with you, that you still love her...unconditionally.  Let her know that you will love her no matter what she does or how bad her choices in life might be or have been.  Tell her you love her often and show it by spending (and this is my next point)...time with them!

2)  Your time - One of the most important things we dads need to do more often is spend time with our daughter doing what she wants to do.  Oftentimes, we do things with her that we want to do and drag her along.  Not that that is a bad thing and she should know the things that are important and enjoyable to us, but sometimes we just need to ask her what it is she wants to do.  Trust me, I have played "house", played with Barbies, or you name it, more times than I could ever count.  I mean these aren't things manly men do...are they?  Your daughter doesn't care and isn't thinking that these are things dads don't do.  She just wants to be with you and spend time with you getting to know you.  This is another way she knows you care for her.

And guys, when you are spending time with her, listen to her (okay, I'm speaking to myself on that one).  She needs to feel safe sharing her thoughts and opinions with you.  She needs to know that you won't yell at her or judge her when she doesn't see it your way.  Also, spending time together gives her the opportunity to know what you stand for and to learn about moral character and integrity.  This leads to Part 2 of "Things daughters need from their dads"...

Coming next week:  3) Your high moral character and integrity, and 4) Your love and affection for their mom.

(And for those women that happen to find or stumble onto this blog, we welcome your thoughts and words of wisdom.  We need to hear things from your perspective too...so be bold and blog on!)

The Beginning of a Never Ending Journey...

One of the most rewarding things a man can ever experience is being the daddy of a daughter. It is life changing, and every man who is blessed enough to have one knows what I mean. In no way would I ever diminish the value of having a son, which I have...he is an awesome gift too. But for whatever reason only God knows, I have been graced with 5 daughters...daddy's little girls, and not so little girls. Girls ranging in age from 29 down to 5. Now, does that make me an expert? I think not. Trust me, I have messed it up so many times. I think I have learned more about daddying from my failures than any other way. (And with the help of my wife who watches how I respond to our girls and then in her own loving way, shows me how I could have done it better. I love her for that.)

But from each and every failure, I am learning more about what it means to be a better daddy and how to love my daughters more. You never quite have it down. I continue to learn each and every day the unique and very special relationship of a daddy and his daughter and that is why this blog was created...to help men with the daddying of their daughters. What I will do is share some of my life with you. I hope you will do the same with me.

I don't have any special titles behind my name or any kind of degree in parenting, but one thing I do know is that if you learn how to daddy your daughter, your life will be filled with a richness and joy beyond anything you ever could imagine. Some of the things I will share in this blog are so practical and some come from a life of experiencing the heartaches and joys of just being there for them. The relationship with a daddy and his daughter is very special and is something to treasure for a lifetime.

Guys, I'm telling you...there is more drama in my home than I ever thought possible and yet in a strange kind of way, I LOVE IT! They are precious to me and I am still learning one day at a time how to handle them. And believe me when I say, I don't have it down yet.

My goal is to post something new and fresh once each week, but please cut me some slack on this because I, like most of you, am busy living life, loving and serving my wife, loving, teaching and disciplining my children, and developing a full time career outside of this blog.

I hope you will take this to heart and join me in this journey together as we change the relationships of daddies and their daughters all over this nation...to make an eternal difference one daddy and one daughter at a time.