Why are daughters so unreasonable?

Hey, news alert...A teen's brain is not fully developed!  Due to the development of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), great strides have been made in the study of the brain.  It was once thought that the brain was fully formed by the end of childhood, but research has shown that there is profound growth of the brain during adolescence.  

Gee, I bet you didn't need science to figure that one out.  Just talk to your teenage daughter and try to reason with her sometime....good luck!  The greatest changes to her brain occur in adolescence.  These include the parts responsible for impulse-control, judgment, decision-making, planning, organization and other functions like emotion.  This area of the brain does not reach full maturity until around age 25...WOW! That explains a lot around my home!

Have you every tried in good conscience to explain to your daughter (of any age) what the reasons are for your decision in matters affecting her?  No matter how hard you try to logically and rationally explain yourself, she just doesn’t seem to get it.  Of course, in wanting her to better understand us, we continue to explain more and more and more, thinking that if we could say it just a little bit different, she will agree with our decision.  BUT, she doesn’t which often times leads to arguments in other areas that are way off topic from where you started.  This becomes a never ending cycle, digging one’s self deeper and deeper into the abyss of frustration!  Don’t keep trying to get her “buy in”.  Offer a brief explanation if you need to, but let your decision stand. “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No’, no, or you will be condemned.” (from the Bible, James 5:12.)  That about explains it all!

Regardless of how smart she is or how great a kid she is, your daughter doesn't have the maturity of an adult.  Sometimes she will be unreasonable.  She will be impulsive.  She won’t always use good judgment.  It is so easy for her to get into trouble, but you can help keep her out of it.  Again, be involved in all aspects of her life.  My daughters think I am overprotective at times and I am okay with that.  At least I have the hope of knowing that when those brains of theirs reach maturity, they will realize just how right I was all along!

under construction

I am a father "under construction".  You know, a work in progress.  Do you remember when you were a kid and used to build things like forts...indoors and outdoors?  You spent hours being entertained by this.  Well, one of the coolest things your children do is the same thing you used to do.  I am totally amazed when my 10 year old daughter takes the most random things from around the house to build with.  What an awesome expression of her own unique and personal creativity!  I love it when she builds forts because I can really relate to that back when I was a young boy.  Here's the problem...unfortunately, now that I am a "grownup" and have become responsible (boring?), I am a neat freak and I am constantly biting my tongue to not yell at her for making a mess of things.  Why?  Because she usually chooses the main living areas of the home to do her building...blocking off all ingress and egress (oh, shoot...there I go again, being a grownup!).  Anyway, you know she just makes the room totally inaccessible for the rest of the family.  But even though she does, WOW, how cool are her forts!

Sometimes I really have a hard time when she does these things.  What I keep telling myself is these are good things.  After all, don't they allow her to express the creative talents God gave her?  Who cares about a messy house anyway (keep telling yourself that, over and over and over and over and over...)?  When she goes inside her fort, she enters a world that is her world...the ultimate in make believe where anything is possible.  I really am thrilled that she is using her mind to do something resourceful rather than vegging out in front of the boob tube or playing on the computer.  I know I need to encourage this!  To my wife's credit, she let's our girls do these kinds of things all the time.  She clearly sees the big picture way better than me!  I'm the one that struggles with it.  

My struggle isn't only with the mess, though.  When I was a boy, I was taught not only to respect the property of others, but also to take care of my own stuff.  That's a good thing, right?  So when I see our sofa pillows, blankets, pillows and comforters off of our beds, rubberbands to hold things in place, and any other miscellaneous thing she can find, I really have a hard time not getting irritated.  Where do I draw the line between teaching them to be creative and have fun and yet still take care of the material things we have been blessed with?  It really is a great opportunity to teach them to be good stewards over all they have been given.  If nothing else, they learn how to take care of other people's things in the process.  However, I always have to remind myself when I am getting ready to jump all over them that THEY are way more important than all the stuff in the world...even the stuff in MY world.  At the end of the day, it's all just junk.  But dog gone it, it's MY junk.  As I said, I'm clearly still under construction! 

Anyway, back to the building thing.  My precious daughter is quite amazing and very creative.  The best part is when she is all done and invites me to play with her in her new fort.  It's like entering a whole new world with no worries and only the two (or three or four...well, you get it) of you.  You never know what you might find.  Who knows maybe she will be an architect someday...or maybe she'll just learn to be a really great mommy to her kids when they want to create something in their home.  So for now, I write this as a reminder to myself to let my girls be girls...they grow up sooooooooo fast!  Guys, build those forts with them and play with them.  Enter their world...it is guaranteed to keep you young forever.  And remember, just for a little while...forget about the mess!   

As I am writing this blog at this very moment, my daughter is building a fort...in my office.   Looks like I will have to go through her fantasy world ("the fort") to get out on the other side.  Hey wait a minute, where'd she go?  Oh my goodness...she has already moved on to other adventures.  Man are they hard to keep up with!  How the heck am I going to get out of here?   It's alright, I know I can do this.  Okay, I just need to go in this door and crawl down this passageway and...wow, it's really amazing in here.  How cool!  Wait a minute, is it this way or that way?  Oh no, I think I'm lost!  Hey, is anyone out there?  Honey, are you out there?  Daddy really wants out of here.  Help!

Daddy, will you pleeeeeeeease play with me?

Well dads, how many times have you heard those words?  Those are some of the sweetest words your little girl could ever say to you.  Wow, I mean think about it, they actually want to be with just you...how cool is that!  And what do YOU say? "Sweetie, maybe later...daddy is really busy right now".  Sound familiar?  I can't tell you how many times I have done that over the years, and it breaks my heart every time I think about the countless times I told my daughters "maybe later"...and later never came.

Does your daughter always seem to ask you right in the middle of something you are doing that YOU think is "important"?  Hey, don't get me wrong, I know there are times when we have to bring work home, fix things around the house, pay bills, etc.  Some of these things may even need to be done at that particular moment.  In that case when possible, tell your daughter you will do something with her as soon as you finish.  Then give her a reasonable time so she will know how long she will have to wait and then MAKE IT HAPPEN.  Keep your word.  Don't blow her off!

Hey guys, coincidentally (or is it?)...at this very moment my girls are playing all around me begging me to play with them, but hey, I've got my priorities straight...I'm writing my blog about daddying daughters and that is really important, right?

Oh all right, I'll be right back...

Had to go play princess in the back yard with my two little girls (ages 5 and 10).  Pretty cool...they just wanted to be with me.  The funny thing is, they're not thinking that I am a man and that men don't play princess (or Barbies or any other girly thing they want to play).  However, maybe they do get it, because they sure were laughing at me a lot!  Guys, you have never lived until you have worn a tiara.  I know some of you will have to go look that up in the dictionary.

In all seriousness, sadly I can probably count on one hand over the past year the number of times that I actually stopped what I was doing and without hesitation said the magic words "okay, what do you want to play?".  How about you?  Can you relate to that?  Every now and then, we just need to say "okay".  Probably be a good idea to actually put a little "daddy daughter" time on your calendar.  Be intentional about it.  Otherwise, life just slips away and so do they!

One day, and not all that far down the road, they just quit asking.  That is a really sad day!  Don't let that happen...the only way we ever really get to know our daughters is just being with them.  Play with them, be with them, and do it often!  When I am with my little girls they usually tell me everything on their minds and in their heart.  I believe we reap big dividends for that time when they become teenagers and later on in their adult life!

Okay dads, here is a challenge for you this week...

I challenge you the next time your little girl (or not so little) says, "daddy will you please play with me", I dare you to drop what you are doing at that very moment and go play.  I double dog dare you!

No dating...are you kidding me? (Part 2)

As we discussed last week, what do you do if your daughter does have a boyfriend or doesn't buy-in to not having boyfriends along the way?  Can you still have a "no dating" policy in your home?  Absolutely!  I know that may sound strange, you know...allowing her to have a "boyfriend" and yet telling her she can't date.  What I mean is that maybe you allow her and her boyfriend to talk on the phone, facebook each other, see each other at school, and at church youth activities where responsible adult leaders are around, etc.  However, under no circumstances should they be allowed to go anywhere alone together...no exceptions!  Let me say that again, NEVER allow them to be alone together!  

Again, in our home we would prefer that they are just friends with guys and that they would preserve their heart for their future husband.  However, if they still choose to have a boyfriend in their mid teen years (16-17), we might start allowing them to hang out with him in group settings where adults we trust and that share our values are always around.  We would also encourage them to hang out with us in our home.  That is the only way we can get to know their boyfriends well and know the kind of character he has...or lack thereof.  In their later teen years, as they show maturity and responsibility, you might allow "group dating", where 3 or more couples go out together.  Again, to prevent alone time, maybe the girls meet at one house and the guys pick them up there.  Our hope is that our daughters would see what a protection this is for them, and be wise enough to hold to this way of dating until marriage.

Maybe you don't agree with this philosophy, and think that dating is fine for your daughter.  Here's a thought...a few years ago I read a book by Jim Talley and Bobbie Reed called "Too Close Too Soon".  In it, their studies show that if a couple spends enough time together (something like 300 hours) the inevitable outcome if they remain together (even a couple with high moral standards) is sexual intimacy. This builds a great case against long dating relationships, starting to date too early, or even having too long an engagement before marriage.  So when your daughter is way too young to marry, how can you help protect her from getting "too close too soon"?  One answer might simply lie in limiting on a daily basis the amount of time you allow your daughter to communicate with and spend time with a boyfriend.  I know that is very difficult, but how much do you love your daughter?  The other way, as already mentioned above, might be a "no dating" policy in your home.  The choice is yours.  Either way, we as fathers and in agreement with our wives, must establish boundaries and rules for our daughters in our homes.  Dads, whatever you choose, BE INVOLVED!  My daughters might think I am overprotective at times and I am okay with that.  At least they know I love them.

I know these thoughts may be very controversial to you, but they definitely should give you something to think about when it comes to creating the standards you want to have in your home.   Whether you agree or not, I genuinely would love to hear from you and get your feedback.

Have a great week!!!

No dating...are you kidding me? (Part 1)

Last week we discussed sex and how difficult that subject is to talk about with your daughter, which leads me into the very controversial topic of "no dating".

One of the best ways to deter premarital sex is for your daughter to NOT date.  Think about it...kind of makes sense doesn't it?  My wife and I have decided to do that with our 3 youngest daughters.  I am praying we can stick with that.  Only time will tell as to whether or not it was a good decision.  Truthfully, my desire is that they won't date till they are old enough to get married.  As teenagers, I hate seeing "my little girls" give pieces of their hearts to guys they eventually will break up with, regardless of who does the breaking up.  Speaking as a dad, I want my them to save their heart for the one guy they will marry and spend their life with.  Even though we did not ask it of our two oldest daughters (now adults and great women of God), I do believe they experienced some heartaches along the way that could have been avoided had they not dated as teenagers.

If you do choose to give "no dating" a try, it is a decision that you and your wife should both agree to and please, please, please do your best to get buy-in from your daughter.  It is our job as dads to help her understand why it is a good thing.

Please understand, she may agree to the "no dating" thing or agree to comply with it as a rule in your home, but this doesn't necessarily mean she won't have a boyfriend or two along the way.  Our desire would be for her not to have boyfriends at all, but you may find that tough to sell.  However, what "no dating" does mean to her as a teen in our home is that she will not ever be allowed to be alone with a boyfriend...under any circumstances to the best of our ability.  We also hope to impress upon her the importance of continuing to live by those values even when she is out of the home...at least until she finds the guy she plans on marrying.  This may be difficult for her, but not impossible.

As I see it, what's the point of my daughter having a boyfriend before she is old enough and mature enough to marry?  If you think about it, the relationship can't really go anywhere, especially if helping her to maintain purity is one of your primary objectives.  Plus, as I mentioned above, it just doesn't seem healthy for her to give bits and pieces of her heart to any guy before marriage.  Part of our job as dads is to guard the hearts of our daughters.

You might say, how can my daughter ever figure out the kind of man she wants to marry if she doesn't learn it through a kind of process of elimination that occurs from the good and bad experiences of dating?  As dads we have to teach her the kind of character qualities to look for in a husband.  If you are a man of faith, you teach her to trust God for the man she will ultimately marry.  Then pray for her and the man God is saving for her.  One of the best things we can do for our daughter is to be the kind of man we want her to marry since most of the time, they will marry a man just like we are...WOW!!!  That is very humbling and could be a very frightening thought depending on the kind of man you have chosen to be.

Yes, I know all of this is very radical, but my desire is to help my daughter grow in character and godliness with her whole heart committed to God first, then her family.

More to come next week...

We will continue the discussion on daughters having boyfriends and living with a "no dating" policy in the home.  You don't want to miss it!

Have a great week!!!