Last week we discussed sex and how difficult that subject is to talk about with your daughter, which leads me into the very controversial topic of "no dating".
One of the best ways to deter premarital sex is for your daughter to NOT date. Think about it...kind of makes sense doesn't it? My wife and I have decided to do that with our 3 youngest daughters. I am praying we can stick with that. Only time will tell as to whether or not it was a good decision. Truthfully, my desire is that they won't date till they are old enough to get married. As teenagers, I hate seeing "my little girls" give pieces of their hearts to guys they eventually will break up with, regardless of who does the breaking up. Speaking as a dad, I want my them to save their heart for the one guy they will marry and spend their life with. Even though we did not ask it of our two oldest daughters (now adults and great women of God), I do believe they experienced some heartaches along the way that could have been avoided had they not dated as teenagers.
If you do choose to give "no dating" a try, it is a decision that you and your wife should both agree to and please, please, please do your best to get buy-in from your daughter. It is our job as dads to help her understand why it is a good thing.
Please understand, she may agree to the "no dating" thing or agree to comply with it as a rule in your home, but this doesn't necessarily mean she won't have a boyfriend or two along the way. Our desire would be for her not to have boyfriends at all, but you may find that tough to sell. However, what "no dating" does mean to her as a teen in our home is that she will not ever be allowed to be alone with a boyfriend...under any circumstances to the best of our ability. We also hope to impress upon her the importance of continuing to live by those values even when she is out of the home...at least until she finds the guy she plans on marrying. This may be difficult for her, but not impossible.
As I see it, what's the point of my daughter having a boyfriend before she is old enough and mature enough to marry? If you think about it, the relationship can't really go anywhere, especially if helping her to maintain purity is one of your primary objectives. Plus, as I mentioned above, it just doesn't seem healthy for her to give bits and pieces of her heart to any guy before marriage. Part of our job as dads is to guard the hearts of our daughters.
You might say, how can my daughter ever figure out the kind of man she wants to marry if she doesn't learn it through a kind of process of elimination that occurs from the good and bad experiences of dating? As dads we have to teach her the kind of character qualities to look for in a husband. If you are a man of faith, you teach her to trust God for the man she will ultimately marry. Then pray for her and the man God is saving for her. One of the best things we can do for our daughter is to be the kind of man we want her to marry since most of the time, they will marry a man just like we are...WOW!!! That is very humbling and could be a very frightening thought depending on the kind of man you have chosen to be.
Yes, I know all of this is very radical, but my desire is to help my daughter grow in character and godliness with her whole heart committed to God first, then her family.
More to come next week...
We will continue the discussion on daughters having boyfriends and living with a "no dating" policy in the home. You don't want to miss it!
Have a great week!!!
As our boys entered the teen years, we discussed the definitions of "boundaries," "mutual respect," "dating," "going steady," "breaking up," and shared with them everything we could learn about depression, dating drama, STDs... and our two oldest decided on their own not to date! I laugh about it now. But I'm so thankful all three of them can talk openly about their relationships with girls.
ReplyDeleteWow! No dating, huh? I certainly understand about maintaining purity, but I'd be concerned that my daughters would lose the life experience gained through dating. If they are going to make relational mistakes, and they almost certainly will, I'd like them to learn when the stakes are lower than when they get married. Obviously, I want to teach them how to conduct themselves on a date and what the boundaries are, but I want them to grow up to be self-sufficient adults. I believe we learn some very critical lessons about the opposite sex and ourselves through the dating process. Not dating at all sounds a little like throwing out the baby with the bath water to me. Just my two cents...
ReplyDeleteI'm so on board with this philosophy. We have asked our kids not to date until they are 18. We strongly promote the practice of courtship. With my oldest being 15, we haven't had to enter into the world of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships so it has not been an issue yet.
ReplyDeleteI did not grow up this way. I had a number of "girlfriends", some casual, a few serious and long-term. I learned a great deal in those long-term relationships, both about myself and how to treat a young lady. However, I don't know that I learned enough to make up for the disappointment, hurt, and unrealized expectations that I and these few young ladies experienced.
In short, I want my sons and daughter to be able to give their whole heart to their future mate. I gave up pieces of my heart along the way and wish I could have them back. I pray that Kelly and I will stay firm in our decision and our kids will understand that it is in their best interest, as well as their future mate.
Be strong and courageous!!
Brad